Getting MySpaced

Self Discovery Through Social Networking

I just joined myspace the other day and was really busy trying to get my profile "just right." I kept checking it and smiling at all the cool colors I'd used to personalize it and the way I'd expressed myself so that people could really get to know me. I was thinking really hard about all of my favorite movies and books and TV shows and I thought "Isn't it funny how you can't remember your favorite movies when you try to think of them?!"

And then all of a sudden I got THREE new messages! And they were all from hot chicks. I thought, "Man, my friend Bobby wasn't kidding, anyone can get laid on MySpace!" Plus they seemed like really nice girls with interests like roller blading and walking on the beach and "anything creative" and they seemed genuinely interested in me because they all wrote "I loved your profile." Amazingly the three of them were from the same nearby town! What are the chances?! So I thought maybe I could do like one of those speed-dating things and meet them in one night (separately of course). Maybe I'd "click" with one of them. The only weird thing was that they were all using friends' myspace accounts so they wanted me to contact them through different websites. Huh? Well I guess that's understandable because if you were over at a friend's house you might use her MySpace… but can't you just log onto your own MySpace even if you're at your friend's house? I'll have to make a post about that one in the "profile editor" forum. Anyway, it was just nice to make some new friends.

Then I went browsing and I found this really interesting 19yr old girl from Portland, OR whose interests are tattoos, butterflies and broken glass and whose quote reads: "I'm going to eat your brain and gain your knowledge." Not quite my "type", but I thought myspace might be a good place to expand my horizons and make some different types of friends so I sent her a message. I wrote: "cool profile." I was sooo excited the next day when there was a return message from her in my inbox. But when I opened the message my heart sank. It read: "Nice profile creep. What are you a stalker perv trolling myspace for fetish whores? Fuck off" ---

That made me feel really insecure about my profile so I looked at it really hard and realized it wasn't as "cool" or "irreverent" or "edgy" as most of the ones I'd seen. My quote was optimistic and life affirming and I'd written a really long honest blurb and listed all of my interests like golf, fantasy baseball, rowing, ping-pong, dog shows, astronomy, etc… I even put some chick flicks in my movie section so that girls would know that I'm into cuddling on the couch and not one of those guys that hogs the remote all night. I listed Kate and Leopold, Girl Interrupted, Erin Brokovich, About a Boy, Shopgirl, Notting Hill, etc.. But it just wasn't working out the way I'd hoped and I was thinking maybe I should set my profile to private, but I only have one friend and I thought nobody would want to be my friend if my profile was set to private because I'd skipped all of those people when I was browsing.

I was very, very depressed and started to think seriously about switching to facebook. But then I came to my senses and I said, "You know what? Fuck it! I'm edgy! I'm bad ass! I'm artsy!" I decided to pay attention to all the cool myspace pages I came across and pick up hints on how to make mine cool too. And you know what? I've learned a lot about myself through this process. I am not such a conservative pussy afterall! Screw dog shows and astronomy! Screw Kate and Leopold! The truth is I never liked that movie anyway! Hugh Jackman was soooo much cooler as Wolverine! Hell, I'm even thinking about getting a tattoo! I feel liberated! And you know what? My new page has already gotten a comment from a cool dude who hooked me up with a link to where I can score legal bud and pills that will make my dick bigger. Look out ladies! And thanks myspace! Here's my new page. Hope you enjoy it


"I'm not nocturnal the sun is just in the wrong time zone."

Age: 99 yrs
From: A State of Dysphoria
Mood: quixotic


Rockin all night/sleepin all day. Pants you can get on and off without removing your shoes. Walking, running, Bathing, not bathing. Things that end with the letter "a", drinking, cussing, loud rampant rages and taking care of foster children


Somebody who will shoot rats with me at the dump. A witch – a real witch, not one of those Wiccan posers. A vampire – a real vampire, not one of those Des Moines meth energy fucks. Rad people who like to get drunk and sing Journey songs.

STATUS: swinger
ORIENTATION: no answer, no preference, not sure, bi

MUSIC: Italian wedding metal, mariachi trip hop, Tokyo Shinto karaoke, medieval Benedictine trance

MOVIES: Good Ones.
TV: I watch it.
BOOKS: I read 'em

HEROES: maybe you

GROUPS: war against emo, part time ninjas, pale is the new tan, because we're fuking awesome, bitch! Gangsta!

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